love's labour's lost

sometimes i lie awake at night and weigh out the differences between all the people that i've lost. some of them just walked away. some of them i pushed away. and some of them were stolen.

so here's to you, Zan, for leaving when i needed you most: i'll never be able to hate you the way i want to. i'll never be able to look at you without just a little pain. i'll never, ever be the same person i was when i wanted you to love me back. but i'm not complaining about it. i'm broken, yes - but i don't need anyone else to fix me. thanks for making me see that.

and my dear little BenG... i'm really going to miss you. but i have to let you go, and you have to let me. you've been my best-friend for far too long - it had to end sometime. you're going to make a great soldier and husband and father. and i'm more than happy for you. i need you to believe that. i'll love you forever, no matter where life takes us. you're my favorite webster.

Soosie and Suzette and Lance won't ever see this; they won't ever know how it hurts. but they'll always be a part of who i am. because they loved with all they had. and they fought for what they believed in. and they gave everything to a world that doesn't really understand. education and family and service. that's what you'll always represent to me. thank-you. i miss you.

achey breakey heart

What is love? To solve that riddle with just one answer is beyond me, for love is many different and contradictory things. In the early stages love is excitement and breathlessness, it is the ache of s e p a r a t i o n and the comfort of togetherness, and it builds inexorably to that moment when 'I' becomes 'we'. Later, if blessed, love becomes a stronger, less transitory thing, a foundation for two lives lived as one. It is all around us, there for the taking, yet to seek it out is futile. It cannot be bought or stolen or given. It cannot be avoided or denied. love is the beautiful, wonderful, mysterious mortar that binds two souls together and I first heard its voice on the day I met you. It has been with me every moment since. This is what love is.

"wake up slow."

I can look at him and smile.
I can kiss him.
I can let him hold me.
I can fall asleep in his arms.
I can pretend it's real.

You'll never see me the way he does.
You'll never know why he thinks I'm perfect.
You'll never say I'm beautiful.
You'll never understand me.
You'll never want me back.

You said you cared.
You said it felt right.
You said I meant something to you.
You said you were happy.
You said a lot of things.

I think he might really mean it.
I think he genuinely likes me.
I think he's nice.
I think he's worth my time.
I think he might actually be good for me, for once.

But still...
there's that voice in the back of my head,
there's your laugh dancing in my heart,
there's a smile in a picture that brightens my day,
there's something missing in my life,
and I realize, he's not you.

it's kinda like the west side story.

You belong to the gang
and you say you can't break away,
but I'm here with my hands on my heart.

Our families can't agree.
I'm your brother's sworn enemy,
but I'll shout out my love to the stars.

So wait for the stone on your window;
wait by the car and we'll go.

When first we laid eyes
I swore to no compromise
'til I felt my caress on your skin.

Well, how soon we were betrayed;
your sister gave us away,
and your father came all unhinged.

So wait for the stone on your window;
wait by the car and we'll go.

But, oh, Valencia.
With your blood still warm on the ground,
Valencia.
And I swear to the stars,
I'll burn this whole city down.

All I heard was a shout
of your brother calling me out,
and you ran like a fool to my side.

Well the shot, it hit hard,
and your frame went limp in my arms,
and an oath of love was your dying cry.

So wait for the stone on your window;
wait by the car and we'll go.

But, oh, Valencia.
With your blood still warm on the ground,
Valencia.
And I'll burn this whole city down.

Valencia,
with your blood getting cold on the ground.
Valencia.
And I swear to the stars
I'll burn this whole city down.

"i'm a mess and you know that i can't help it."

these days are hard.

if and when i happen to see your face
...my whole world comes crashing down all over again.
it makes me feel sick.
it rips my heart open.

and nights that i don't dream of you
...i wake up and remember that you're not mine anymore.
it hits me like a train.
it stops my breath.

because i want so badly to stop it
...every part of me wants to hurt myself.
it's not fair that you can hurt me.
it's not fair that you don't even see it.

i'm having trouble believing that you ever cared in the first place.
i just don't understand why you were my best friend and now you're nothing.
you don't know how much it hurts.
i need to get out of here, away from you, away from this town.
but i can't go anywhere.
and the worst part is that i don't think i would survive anywhere else
...because there's no chance of seeing you anywhere but here.

i may be little deranged.

i have problems.

ok. i know that no one reads this, and that is why i'm posting here and not on love, syd. because frankly, i still don't want people to know. but i don't have anyone to talk about it with, except for the hypothetical "master of the internet" who reads and knows everything about what's out there in the world wide web.

i'm depressed.
i take over-the-counter cough syrup and pain-killers to numb the pain of being sad.
i cut my hands to control how i feel the hurt that's inside me.

i don't know quite exactly why i do these things.
i know that it started because i was abused by people who i thought loved me.
i know that it gets better each time i think i've found someone different.
i know that it hurts more each time i find out i was wrong.

i wish i'd known what was happening to me when it started.
that was probably the best chance i had, since it was the most obvious.
the first time he hit me was shocking.
but i just went with it because i thought that it was a one-time thing.
and each time after that, leading up to the last time, i knew that i deserved it.
i wasn't being the kind of girlfriend that he wanted me to be.
the last time, i saw in his eyes that it wouldn't stop even after i changed.
but those words stuck with me: "No one will ever love you."
the way he said it, it just made sense.
and the blade cutting into my collar-bone didn't really leave me with any room to doubt it.

and then, when my trust was betrayed over and over again by the next one, the words kept coming back to me.
when he told me that he loved me, i believed him with everything except for my heart.
so it didn't make sense that he could still break it.
repeatedly.
i wanted to belong to him, and for him to belong to me.
i wanted for everything to work out for the best.
i was prepared to deal with being a constant disappointment.
and to be constantly disappointed.
because i was pretty close to happy whenever i was with him, whenever we weren't fighting.

there were plenty of others who didn't necessarily hurt me, but that doesn't mean they were nice.
there were some who only wanted one thing, and cast me aside when i wouldn't give in.
there were some who used me for what i had, what i could do, what i believed.
some tried to change me, to help me, to build me up, to show me a new light.
and then when that one showed up, that one who honestly wanted me forever, i finally thought i could see a sparkle at the end of my tunnel.

he showed me things that i knew were meant for me.
things that i'd never accepted as what i could dream of before.
he showed me how to be loved.
how to let someone carry the weight of my troubled heart for a while.
how to believe myself and the things i deserved.
how to demand those things.

but then something changed.
he decided that i was finished experiencing life that way, i guess.
he decided that we were going to be happy exactly like we were right then.
that nothing else needed to happen, to change.
but he didn't know.
not about the abuse, or the drugs, or the cutting.
he didn't know that sometimes i couldn't believe it was real and so i hurt myself for even thinking that it could be.
and i wasn't ready to tell him.
i loved him.
i wanted to be with him, to marry him.
and yes, there were major life-decisions that still needed to be made before i could do that.
but underneath that excuse was the real reason for pushing him away.
for breaking both our hearts.
i didn't trust him enough.
i couldn't trust that he wouldn't turn out just like the other ones from before.
he taught me some great things, and he was detrimental to my life.
but he wasn't everything i needed.

the spark at the end of the tunnel didn't go out.
it stuck around even after he was gone and married.
it even got a little brighter with time.
and i could feel a light inside of me too.
finally there was something filling in that empty space.
i wasn't sure what it was.
it just felt complete.

i made new friends.
people who'd had their own dark tunnels and come out the other side.
people i could relate to, without actually talking about it.
people who i could tell just knew what it was like.
and then i started to realize something.
everyone had a tunnel.
maybe not as long and generally not as dark.
but they all had one.

i went a long time without cutting myself.
about a year.
i didn't do so well with the drugs.
maybe four or five months.
it's easier to be without control than it is to be constantly sad.
but i was proud of myself.
it's fun to be proud of yourself for something noone else knows about.

his smile made me laugh.
his eyes caught my attention like nothing else had in a long time.
he made everything seem so incredibly right.
he emanated something that gave me hope.
hope.
hope for an end.
to everything.

it was happiness.
pure this-is-life-so-live-it happiness.
it was amazing.
i knew it was everything i was missing.
that's what the light was made out of.
i could feel it jumping around like fire every time i was around him.

he made it look so easy.
and i just couldn't understand why it wasn't for me.
it was frustrating.
having it right there in front of my face but just out of reach.
i couldn't handle it.
i had to do something about it.
so i cut my hand again.

i was so disappointed.
and the light faded just a little bit.
but i realized something then.
that light did more for me than avoiding my issues ever could.
i could take drugs to numb it all.
i could cut my hand to control it.
or i could accept it.
i could turn to face the end of the tunnel and start walking.
not just a small step here and there.
really commit to reaching the end.
i knew it would be hard.
i knew there would be times when i'd want to stop and admit defeat.
i knew i might trip and fall and lose sight of the end.
but i also knew that there was such a thing as the end.
it wasn't just a dark expanse of nothing anymore.
there was a way out.
and i was going to get there.

i even had someone that i knew would be there at the end of it.
i had someone that i was pretty sure would be there at the end of it.
i had someone who could be there at the end of it.
i had someone who i thought might be there at the end of it.
i thought he might be there.

i'm still sad most of the time.
i still have to try really hard not to do the things i promised myself i wouldn't.
i still make mistakes.
but i'm getting close.
the light is shining brighter than it's ever been.
at the end of the tunnel.
and inside that place where there was always something missing.

i'm not broken.
i'm not whole.
i'm working on it.

seriously...

why did you kiss me?
i'd really like to know.

you think you can pull this crap about wanting to figure your life out...
you think i don't remember that it took you almost a month to kiss me the first time...
you think you can say let's just date other people while this is all getting figured out...
you think i don't notice that you're so afraid of knowing the truth...
you think that i'm not scared too...

what am i supposed to think about you kissing me, then?

...is your life all figured out?
...or did you just need a booty call?
...are you really dating other people? [because i don't want to.]
...are you even looking for the truth?
...i'm scared that i'm in love with you, and you'll never give me the chance to say it.

grow a pair, already.

or dare

and here's the song that makes me think of you.

Allow me to exaggerate a memory or two. Where summers lasted longer than, longer than we do. And nothing really mattered except for me to be with you. But in time we all forgot and we all grew.

Your melody sounds as sweet as the first time it was sung. With a little bit more character for show. And by the time your father's heard of all the wrong you've done, then I'm putting out the lantern. Find your own way back home.

If I've forgotten how to sing before I've sung this song, then iI'll write it all across the wall before my job is done. And I'll even have the courtesy of admitting I was wrong. As the final words before I'm dead and gone.

You've never been so divine in admitting your defeat, and I've never been more scared to be alone. If love is not enough to put my enemies to sleep, then I'm putting out the lantern. Find your own way back home.

[Panic at the Disco - Folkin' Around]

it's your ringtone now, too.

Truth

just be honest - this is the song that makes you think of me.

Walking the streets with you and your worn-out jeans
I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be
Laughing on a park bench, thinking to myself
Hey, isn't this easy?

And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town
I haven't seen it in a while since she brought you down
You say you're fine, I know you better than that
Hey, what ya doing with a girl like that?

She wears high heels, I wear sneakers
She's Cheer Captain and I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time

If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along, so why can't you see?
You belong with me

[Taylor Swift - You Belong with Me]

because you hum it and sing it under your breath all the time.

back and forth.

i was wondering, hypothetically. what would you do, theoretically. if something should happen accidentally or medically. what if your *boyfriend was gone? if he died in a fire from a broken light fixture, or happened to swallow a poisonous mixture. would i find my way back into the picture, if you were suddenly alone? would you call me up, would you write me a letter, would you tie a message to your irish setter? would you try to get through so we could be together? what if your *boyfriend was gone?

["what if your girlfriend was gone?" by carla ulbrich]

it gets so annoying. like a chick magazine with seventeen subscription cards shoved in between. and they fall past my seat and they land at my feet, right next to my pride. how can you beat that? and what can i say, i come from race cars and goth rock. and what can you do, you're just california gridlock. i'm a broken down camaro, overheated. but you'll never know you're the one who caused this crash.

["race cars and goth rock" by butch walker]

annie, are you ok? would you tell us that you're ok? there's a sign in the window, that he struck you, a crescendo, annie.

["smooth criminal" by michael jackson]

here's the thing, we started off friends. it was cool, but it was all pretend.

["since u been gone" by kelly clarkson]

now that she's back in the atmosphere with drops of jupiter in her hair, she acts like summer and walks like rain. reminds me that there's time to change.

["drops of jupiter" by train]

it's a sad picture. the final blow hits ya. somebody else gets what you wanted again. and then it's all the same. another time and place. repeating history and you're getting sick of it. but i believe in whatever you do. and i'll do anything to see it through. because these things will change. can you feel it now? these walls that they put up to hold *you back will fall down. this revolution, the time will come for *you to finally win.

["change" by taylor swift]

have you ever heard a song and thought that it could say how you feel better than anything you could think of? this is a conversation that my ex and i had today - texting. at the end of it he said "i like when we talk via songs... i'm not sure why, but i know that no one else has ever been as good with it as you are." i do really enjoy using someone else's words to say how i feel. maybe because it makes the message a little less harsh.

*these lyrics have been changed

Little rascals

Dear Darla,

I hate you're stinkin' guts.
You make me vomit.
You are the scum between my toes.

Love,
Alfalfa

Why does this make me smile?

Proust

Marcel Proust once said, "In love, happiness is an abnormal state."

I don't believe or understand that. At all. When I do finally fall truly, deeply, madly in love - I'm pretty sure that I'll be happy. Maybe not 100% of the time, but definitely for the majority of my life. I'm sure that my future love will at some point upset me, possibly even do something to make me sad. But if I'm in love, real-life honest-to-goodness LOVE, then I know that I won't be able to stay that way for too long.
Love should fill you up inside with good feelings. If it's anything less than everything you've ever expected, is it real?

Sylvie's song

This poem is in Lewis Carroll's novel Sylvie and Bruno Concluded and I absolutely adore it. It describes the way I feel about you nearly perfectly.


Say, what is the spell, when her fledglings are cheeping,
That lures the bird home to her nest?
Or wakes the tired mother, whose infant is weeping,
To cuddle and croon it to rest?
What's the magic that charms the glad babe in her arms,
Till it cooes with the voice of the dove?

'Tis a secret, and so let us whisper it low --
And the name of the secret is Love!

For I think it is Love,
For I feel it is Love,
For I'm sure it is nothing but Love!

Say whose is the skill that paints valley and hill,
Like a picture so fair to the sight?
That flecks the green meadow with sunshine and shadow,
Till the little lambs leap with delight?

'Tis a secret untold to hearts cruel and cold,
Though 'tis sung by the angels above,
In notes that ring clear for the ears that can hear --
And the name of the secret is Love!

For I think it is Love,
For I feel it is Love,
For I'm sure it is nothing but Love!


Do these words scare you? They scare me a little. But I can't help but think the word love whenever I think of you. I feel it. I'm sure that it's true. I just can't say it yet.
If I could tell you how broken my heart has been for the past five years, then I think you might understand. Telling you is really hard though. Would you make fun of me? Would you think less of me, for having given my heart away so foolishly? Would you ever be able to love me back?
So, instead of telling you how broken my heart is, I'm waiting until I can tell you how broken it was. Because every day I'm with you I can feel it heal a little bit more.