ok. i know that no one reads this, and that is why i'm posting here and not on love, syd. because frankly, i still don't want people to know. but i don't have anyone to talk about it with, except for the hypothetical "master of the internet" who reads and knows everything about what's out there in the world wide web.
i'm depressed.
i take over-the-counter cough syrup and pain-killers to numb the pain of being sad.
i cut my hands to control how i feel the hurt that's inside me.
i don't know quite exactly why i do these things.
i know that it started because i was abused by people who i thought loved me.
i know that it gets better each time i think i've found someone different.
i know that it hurts more each time i find out i was wrong.
i wish i'd known what was happening to me when it started.
that was probably the best chance i had, since it was the most obvious.
the first time he hit me was shocking.
but i just went with it because i thought that it was a one-time thing.
and each time after that, leading up to the last time, i knew that i deserved it.
i wasn't being the kind of girlfriend that he wanted me to be.
the last time, i saw in his eyes that it wouldn't stop even after i changed.
but those words stuck with me: "No one will ever love you."
the way he said it, it just made sense.
and the blade cutting into my collar-bone didn't really leave me with any room to doubt it.
and then, when my trust was betrayed over and over again by the next one, the words kept coming back to me.
when he told me that he loved me, i believed him with everything except for my heart.
so it didn't make sense that he could still break it.
repeatedly.
i wanted to belong to him, and for him to belong to me.
i wanted for everything to work out for the best.
i was prepared to deal with being a constant disappointment.
and to be constantly disappointed.
because i was pretty close to happy whenever i was with him, whenever we weren't fighting.
there were plenty of others who didn't necessarily hurt me, but that doesn't mean they were nice.
there were some who only wanted one thing, and cast me aside when i wouldn't give in.
there were some who used me for what i had, what i could do, what i believed.
some tried to change me, to help me, to build me up, to show me a new light.
and then when that one showed up, that one who honestly wanted me forever, i finally thought i could see a sparkle at the end of my tunnel.
he showed me things that i knew were meant for me.
things that i'd never accepted as what i could dream of before.
he showed me how to be loved.
how to let someone carry the weight of my troubled heart for a while.
how to believe myself and the things i deserved.
how to demand those things.
but then something changed.
he decided that i was finished experiencing life that way, i guess.
he decided that we were going to be happy exactly like we were right then.
that nothing else needed to happen, to change.
but he didn't know.
not about the abuse, or the drugs, or the cutting.
he didn't know that sometimes i couldn't believe it was real and so i hurt myself for even thinking that it could be.
and i wasn't ready to tell him.
i loved him.
i wanted to be with him, to marry him.
and yes, there were major life-decisions that still needed to be made before i could do that.
but underneath that excuse was the real reason for pushing him away.
for breaking both our hearts.
i didn't trust him enough.
i couldn't trust that he wouldn't turn out just like the other ones from before.
he taught me some great things, and he was detrimental to my life.
but he wasn't everything i needed.
the spark at the end of the tunnel didn't go out.
it stuck around even after he was gone and married.
it even got a little brighter with time.
and i could feel a light inside of me too.
finally there was something filling in that empty space.
i wasn't sure what it was.
it just felt complete.
i made new friends.
people who'd had their own dark tunnels and come out the other side.
people i could relate to, without actually talking about it.
people who i could tell just knew what it was like.
and then i started to realize something.
everyone had a tunnel.
maybe not as long and generally not as dark.
but they all had one.
i went a long time without cutting myself.
about a year.
i didn't do so well with the drugs.
maybe four or five months.
it's easier to be without control than it is to be constantly sad.
but i was proud of myself.
it's fun to be proud of yourself for something noone else knows about.
his smile made me laugh.
his eyes caught my attention like nothing else had in a long time.
he made everything seem so incredibly right.
he emanated something that gave me hope.
hope.
hope for an end.
to everything.
it was happiness.
pure this-is-life-so-live-it happiness.
it was amazing.
i knew it was everything i was missing.
that's what the light was made out of.
i could feel it jumping around like fire every time i was around him.
he made it look so easy.
and i just couldn't understand why it wasn't for me.
it was frustrating.
having it right there in front of my face but just out of reach.
i couldn't handle it.
i had to do something about it.
so i cut my hand again.
i was so disappointed.
and the light faded just a little bit.
but i realized something then.
that light did more for me than avoiding my issues ever could.
i could take drugs to numb it all.
i could cut my hand to control it.
or i could accept it.
i could turn to face the end of the tunnel and start walking.
not just a small step here and there.
really commit to reaching the end.
i knew it would be hard.
i knew there would be times when i'd want to stop and admit defeat.
i knew i might trip and fall and lose sight of the end.
but i also knew that there was such a thing as the end.
it wasn't just a dark expanse of nothing anymore.
there was a way out.
and i was going to get there.
i even had someone that i knew would be there at the end of it.
i had someone that i was pretty sure would be there at the end of it.
i had someone who could be there at the end of it.
i had someone who i thought might be there at the end of it.
i thought he might be there.
i'm still sad most of the time.
i still have to try really hard not to do the things i promised myself i wouldn't.
i still make mistakes.
but i'm getting close.
the light is shining brighter than it's ever been.
at the end of the tunnel.
and inside that place where there was always something missing.
i'm not broken.
i'm not whole.
i'm working on it.
