love's labour's lost

sometimes i lie awake at night and weigh out the differences between all the people that i've lost. some of them just walked away. some of them i pushed away. and some of them were stolen.

so here's to you, Zan, for leaving when i needed you most: i'll never be able to hate you the way i want to. i'll never be able to look at you without just a little pain. i'll never, ever be the same person i was when i wanted you to love me back. but i'm not complaining about it. i'm broken, yes - but i don't need anyone else to fix me. thanks for making me see that.

and my dear little BenG... i'm really going to miss you. but i have to let you go, and you have to let me. you've been my best-friend for far too long - it had to end sometime. you're going to make a great soldier and husband and father. and i'm more than happy for you. i need you to believe that. i'll love you forever, no matter where life takes us. you're my favorite webster.

Soosie and Suzette and Lance won't ever see this; they won't ever know how it hurts. but they'll always be a part of who i am. because they loved with all they had. and they fought for what they believed in. and they gave everything to a world that doesn't really understand. education and family and service. that's what you'll always represent to me. thank-you. i miss you.

achey breakey heart

What is love? To solve that riddle with just one answer is beyond me, for love is many different and contradictory things. In the early stages love is excitement and breathlessness, it is the ache of s e p a r a t i o n and the comfort of togetherness, and it builds inexorably to that moment when 'I' becomes 'we'. Later, if blessed, love becomes a stronger, less transitory thing, a foundation for two lives lived as one. It is all around us, there for the taking, yet to seek it out is futile. It cannot be bought or stolen or given. It cannot be avoided or denied. love is the beautiful, wonderful, mysterious mortar that binds two souls together and I first heard its voice on the day I met you. It has been with me every moment since. This is what love is.

"wake up slow."

I can look at him and smile.
I can kiss him.
I can let him hold me.
I can fall asleep in his arms.
I can pretend it's real.

You'll never see me the way he does.
You'll never know why he thinks I'm perfect.
You'll never say I'm beautiful.
You'll never understand me.
You'll never want me back.

You said you cared.
You said it felt right.
You said I meant something to you.
You said you were happy.
You said a lot of things.

I think he might really mean it.
I think he genuinely likes me.
I think he's nice.
I think he's worth my time.
I think he might actually be good for me, for once.

But still...
there's that voice in the back of my head,
there's your laugh dancing in my heart,
there's a smile in a picture that brightens my day,
there's something missing in my life,
and I realize, he's not you.