the best part...

john,

the best part about being in love with you is knowing that you're the only person left on the planet that could actually hurt me, but being one hundred and eighty-four percent certain that you never EVER will.

i can't imagine my life without you.  at least not the future.  my past is filled with all sorts of memories that only make me need you that much more.  because, you're more than just my best friend... you're shoulder is where my head belongs, and your hand fits mine perfectly, your eyes are the only ones that can see through all my walls and defenses, and your voice is my favorite radio station, your arms were built to keep me safe, and your heart was designed to love me forever.

see?  i more that just need you.  i want you.  i'm sucked in by your gravitational pull.  i'm attached, connected, fused, adhered to you.  i'm never going anywhere without you ever again.  pinky promise.

"if i were a flower growing wild and free all i'd want is you to be my sweet honey bee."

you know how i have bad dreams all the time? i always thought that if i could just find someone who truly loved me, and proved all those mean people from my past wrong, that they would stop.  it's taken me a long time to realize that they're never going to stop happening, but they are going to stop hurting me.  i don't wake up in the middle of the night terrified anymore, i wake up scared, but immediately set at ease with  the thought of you.  i know that no matter what happens in my dreams on in real life, you'll be there to make it all go away.  just one look at you, one smile, one quiet word of comfort, one kiss, and everything is ok.  my world isn't flipped upside down and turned backwards on a giant roller-coaster anymore.  you fixed it.  you calmed everything down and you made it all right again.  you mean everything to me.

i love you.  more than anything.  more than i can find the words to write, which is impressive since writing is kind of my only way to express anything at all.  i love you forever and ever.  until the sun stops setting and the waves stop crashing.  i love you every second of every minute of every day.  i loved you before i even realized it myself, and as shocking and tumultuous of a moment as it was, it was the most comforting moment of my life.  i love you from the center of the earth to the farthest star in the heavens [there and back, five thousand times, on foot].  i love you when it's cloudy and sunny and hot and cold and snowy and foggy and windy and rainy and humid and everything in between.  i love you with my heart and my head and my soul and my spirit and my body and my conscience and my rational self-awareness.  i love you ethically and immorally and without question or trepidation, in the best of times and in the worst of times, under every impossible circumstance.  i love you as a six-year-old boy in a power rangers t-shirt, and as an awkward adolescent striving to do what's right, and as a young adult, and as a missionary, and as a college student intent on making the most of his life, and as a priesthood holder who never takes his responsibilities lightly.  i love you for who you were, who you are now, and who i know you'll become.  i love you without hesitation.  i love you in every way i know possible.  i love you because you see who i am inside and behind what everyone else sees.  i love you because of who i want to become as a result of having met you.  i love you for loving me. 

i love you.  i love you.  i love you.

hearts don't break.

they're systematically dismantled.

how to be a good person...

Always know the road you're riding on.
Always know the words to your baby's song.
Try to make the most of Friday nights when they come.

Maybe turn a stranger to a friend.
Never break a heart that's on the mend.
Never let the romance ever end like I've done.

Never judge a color of a skin.
Never judge a person by their kin.
Never follow leaders that begin behind someone.

Always help your mama cross the street.
Always wash your hands when you wanna eat.
Always keep 'em dirty enough to see where you came from.

And its OK to cry,
if you feel it comin' on.
It'll let you know you're human in the end.
All these things will mean more when I'm gone.
Just be good until then.

Try to see the best inside the bad,
no matter how many drinks you've had.
Never make a promise you'll regret come sunrise.

Try to rarely ever oversleep.
Always keep your ego at your feet.
Maybe try to practice what you preach once in a while.

It's OK to cry,
if you feel it comin' on.
It'll let you know you're human in the end.
All these things will mean more when I'm gone.
Just be good until then.

Everybody loves a hero,
not so much when they fall short, so
try to keep your cape on underneath.

You don't have to try so hard
to be the best; just know you are.
And that's all that'll matter to me.

And its OK to cry,
if you feel it comin' on.
It'll let you know you're human in the end.
All these things will mean more when I'm gone.
Just be good until then.

BUTCH WALKER, be good until then

give me a good reason...

#1 - We both love hot dogs.
#2 - No one else will know the difference between all her "I don't knows."
#3 - My big hands are the only sufficient home for her long fingers.
#4 - No one else is patient enough for "Because I said so."
#5 - Who else would she have cute inside jokes with? Like "Tanks," and flamingos and hippos, and tearing your clothes off.
#6 - We both like all 12 Apostles and members of the First Presidency equally; we don't play favorites.
#7 - No two people could be as understanding, accepting, and loving about each others' past.
#8 - Who else would tell her stories about the amazing adventures  of Sydney and Johnny Monster?
#9 - We both love to quote song lyrics.
#10 - Because she'll always win.
#11 - We could be perfectly content leaning against each other reading a book.
#12 - What other girl will argue about politics? Answer: No one.
#13 - He's cute in a pathetic sot of way.
#14 - He makes sure that she's safe while she sleeps.
#15 - censored for privacy
#16 - She's never being a brat in his eyes, just rational.
#17 - She is the prettiest girl in his whole world.
#18 - He'll treat her like a princess.
#19 - They both hate, and I mean HATE cats.
#20 - They'd never have to argue about what music to listen to in the car.
#21 - They're both mature and secure enough to go 24-hours without talking and not freak out in the process.
#22 - Because he makes all sorts of exceptions for her.
#23 -
#24 - He'll let her eat all the junk food she wants, because... censored
#25 - Because he'll sing her to sleep.

i hate thin walls.

when i'm a grown up and have a zillion dollars to design and build my own house with i'm going to make sure that every room is soundproofed so well that you have to text the person on the far side of the couch to pass you the remote.

now, if you don't mind, i'm going to put in some ear-plugs and attempt to take a nap instead of accomplishing any of the eleven items on my to-do list.

the tools of photography.

some might think that the only tools you need for photography are a camera, an assortment of lenses, and some lighting equipment...
i say nay.

 

because sometimes you need sandpaper, a small knife, and a box-cutter to smooth out the edges of a candy heart.

 

oh, and some lipstick to enhance the candy's color...

[wrinkly nose]

i know that it burns like poison in the pill.

sing me to sleep, echoes in the hills.

you can't hear a word; you can't hear my broken will.

turn out the light

let's call it off, let's take the memories and run.

i'll be the villain, the man with the smoking gun.

i guess this is goodbye. so have a nice life.

see you at the replay lounge.

bad liar

your ghost is haunting the alleyways.

maybe you don't know you're dead.

your ghost

i see clearly now, never will escape: once we took the time to make a beautiful mistake.

baby, i'll take this all forever.

tonight i'll see with clarity, right where we belong: never would go wrong.

beautiful mistake

to free who you were before, find what you're looking for.

lose everything, but you do it again.

secret concealed in the wheat fields: there's a mystery to this history.

a small crusade

the lines of history became the scenery.

strictly an accessory, and image to uphold.

but it's all in fun and sin, until someone calls it in.

the cycle comes around again - but i'm older now, and don't ya know:

i've figure out the antidote.

the spoils of the spoiled

it's vivid and strong in my memory: an absence that smacks of abandoning.

it led to the battle that ultimately destroyed us.

from california

someone ruined my daydream.

aren't you spoiled enough as it is?

whatever you're saying won't bring anyone closer to this.

worse for the wear

maybe the sin isn't where we begin; don't want to rush indiscretion.

don't want remorse to be drowned in the shore - this isn't the class, just a lesson.

start with a story you don't want to tell of the time when you may have been reckless.

you may have been young and foolish then, but so... so...

calendar days

some might say it's overrated, staring at their shoes.

your arrows don't have poison but they bruise.

i can't make peace with you.

all my heart is on these pages, open to abuse.

i should try to be dishonest, but i lose.

i can't make peace with you.

poison in the ink

oh, new amsterdams... just narrate my life, why don't you.

soda bubbles.

they dance around and sparkle.
they tickle under my nose.
they show me briefly, sweetly how loving you should go.
but memories don't last forever.
they have to be let go.
like soda bubbles popping in the tin can of my heart.